That Happened
by TheSilverboar
Summary: This is a one-shot crack fic that I wrote about the Tri-Wizard tournament using every ounce of my insanity. You have been warned. Pseudo crossover with Skyrim, Percy Jackson, and Naruto.


**AN: This is a one-shot idea that just hit me as I was thinking of the ultimate cross-over people to handle each of the different Tri-wizard tasks and decided to just roll with it. I may at some point turn this into a full story and I'm more than happy to let someone adopt it if they wish to try to do so. Just let me know before hand. **

**AN2: WARNING! WARNING! THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS IDIOTIC HUMOR, BAD JOKES, OVERPOWERED TEENAGE WIZARDS WITH LIGHTNING-BOLT SCARS, CHEESY ROMANCE, CHEESY BROMANCE, POSSIBLE OVERBOARD TORTURE AND/OR TORMENT OF CERTAIN CHARACTERS THAT I DO NOT LIKE FOR THIS STORY, NIGHTMARE MATERIAL GALORE FOR AYONE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO READ THIS PIECE OF INSANITY, AND COMPLETE AND TOTAL BASHING OF: HERMIONE GRANGER, RONALD WEASLEY, GINEVRA WEASLEY, LAVENDER BROWN, PARVARTI PATIL, HANNAH ABBOT, JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY, ERNIE MACMILLAN, ZACHARIAS SMITH, CEDRIC DIGGORY, MARIETTA EDGECOMBE, ANTHONY GOLDSTEIN, LISA TURPIN, MANDY BROCKLEHURST, MICHAEL CORNER, SUE LI, TERRY BOOOT, CHO CHANG, DRACO MALFOY, LUCIUS MALFOY, VINCENT CRABBE, GREGORY GOYLE, BLAISE ZABINNI, THEODORE NOTT, PANSY PARKINSON, VIKTOR KRUM, IGOR KARKAROFF, FLEUR DELACOUR, MADAME MAXIME, SEVERUS SNAPE, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, MINERVA MCGONAGALL, POMONA SPROUT, THOMAS RIDDLE JUNIOR, BARTAMEIUS CROUCH JUNIOR, BARTEMIUS CROUCH SENIOR, LUDO BAGMAN, MOLLY WEASLEY, ARTHUR WEASLEY, PERCY WEASLEY, CORNELIUS FUDGE, DOLORES UMBRIDGE, PETER PETTIGREW, ARGUS FILCH, AND ANYBODY ELSE I CAN THINK TO THROW IN…YEAH…I LIKE BASHING…DEAL WITH IT MY MINIONS! THIS IS MY STORY AND I DECLARE TODAY TO BE NATIONAL BASH SHEEPLE DAY! (*STANDS AND GIVES A DRAMATIC POSE*)…AS YOU CAN CLEARLY TELL I HAVE LET ALL MY INSANITY LOOSE ON THIS ONE SO READ ON IF YOU DARE AND MAY MERLIN HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOULS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...Okay, I had my fun…ONTO THE STORY!**

***AWESOMNESS*-That Happened-*AWESOMNESS***

***AWESOMNESS*-Harry-*AWESOMNESS***

***AWESOMNESS*-Champion's Selection-*AWESOMNESS***

A loud hissing drew the irritated glare of one Harry Potter towards the front of the Great Hall and away from his game. Ever since they had sat down to eat the Halloween feast and wait for the announcement of the Champions Ron's mouth had been hanging open with a small river of drool pouring out. Originally this had been over the feast but as soon as the Beauxbatons contingent had entered he had been drooling over and mentally undressing the girl who he was sure was either a veela or a part veela. So, bored out of his mind, he grabbed a handful of small candies and challenged those around him to see who can get the most pieces thrown into his ginger friend's open mouth. Hermione had scoffed and tried chewing him out for being disrespectful , Neville agreed to his surprise, the twins joined in as he expected, and Ginny also joined but spent most of the game fan-girling over him.

He had just about to break the tie he had with Neville, who knew the Herbology obsessed Lion would be that good of a shot, when the goblet began hissing while shaking everywhere and tongues of fire shot all over the place making him think that the champions were about to be chosen. The teachers were all lined up behind the staff table with expressions ranging from arrogantly constipated, Snape, to constipatedly arrogant, McGonagall. The three Headmasters were standing behind the goblet with the almighty Dumbledork, fully decked out in robes that looked like they were used by a rainbow to wipe their ass after a massive bout of diarrhea, standing in the front. On the right was the giant French Headmistress, Madame Maxime, try to look haughty and keep her nose up into the air…until one of the trails of goblet fire shot up her nose making her begin sneezing everywhere, knocking the diminutive Professor Flitwick off his stool from a giant blast of snot French snot. On the left was Igor Karkarof who tried to look down upon the students while stroking his greasy goatee…until a second tongue of fire set it alight and he began running around to try and put it out, setting Snape's greasy hair on fire in the process.

While the commotion happened with the staff that most of the school seemed not to notice, most of the guys too busy drooling over the French Veela, most of the girls drooling over Krum, and those two drooling over thoughts of being champions, leaving him the only one to see the hilarity as he used a magical camcorder, compliments of Sirius. Dumbledore, ignoring his colleague's plight, strode forward with a dramatic flourish of his rainbow robes of doom and caught the first piece of parchment from the goblet, before spending five minutes trying to read the name through the mead stain until calling out "Durmstrang's Champion is…Viktor Krum!". At this decree the girls of Durmstrang and Beauxbatons, as well as some from Hogwarts, began fan-girling over the quiditch player with such shouts as 'I knew you could do it', 'marry me!' and 'I want to have your babies' making him shiver, so glad that Hedwig attacked anyone that went too fangirl over him, Ginny being the exception as the Weasleys were friends.

Once again the fire turned red and shot a frilly little lace doily into the air as Dumbledore caught it and read out "The Beauxbatons Champion is…Fleur Delacour!" causing all the males in the building, bar himself, Neville and the twins, and Lee Jordan, to burst into the air, hooting and hollering as they cheered the French Veela on with such shouts as 'I knew you could do it', 'marry me', and 'I want you to have my babies'…some real originality he commented dully in his mind.

Finally the fire turned red for the third time as Dumbledore once again caught the paper, with far more flourish now that it was _Hogwarts_ having their champion announced, before reading out loudly "Hogwarts' Champion is…Cedric Diggory!" causing every Hogwarts girl, and some from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, to let out a high pitch squeal strong enough to shatter all the windows in the hall as well as his glasses as they cried out the fan-girl trifecta ('I knew you could do it', 'marry me', and 'I want to have your babies').

At this point the staff commotion had ended as he put away his camcorder, fully intending to send Sirius a copy of the video from the magical device, and noticed the flames go red again and groaned mentally before getting sympathetic looks from Neville, the Twins, Lee, and the Chasers as they recognized that Hogwarts' yearly shit was about to go down. "Harry Potter." Dumbledore called out, obviously, well obvious to someone not raised in the wizarding world (really, no common sense in the lot of em), trying to sound surprised.

Ignoring the angry looks from Hermione, likely over the apparent 'rule breaking', and the jealous ones from Ron, no explanation necessary, he got up and walked over to Dumbledore before picking up the piece of paper "That isn't my handwriting." He said simply before handing it back.

Immediately Snape went into a fully blown 'arrogant as your father' rant with a dash of 'your fame has led to your ego' thrown in for flavor while being cheered on by Slytherin house while McGonagall did nothing. Not surprising really, he figured, she did take away a hundred and fifty points for being out late at night from her own house while only taking twenty from Draco. Rolling his eyes he pulled out pulled a piece of parchment and a ballpoint pen from his backpack before signing his and placing it next to the fake "Not my handwriting." He reinserted as the two were obviously different. One of the few things the Dursley's had taught him and his cousin was penmanship, something about not disgracing the family with sloppy handwriting or some crap so his handwriting was neat and elegant…the fake one looked like it was written by a drunk howler monkey…or Ron, one of the two.

"I see no difference." Dumbledore said happily before burning the false signature along with the real and ushering him through the corridor into the Trophy room.

"What is it?" the French Champion, Fleur, asked "Do they vant us back in ze 'all?".

"Extraordinary!" Bagman exclaimed happily the tournament officials rushed in, gripping his arm in the process "Absolutely extraordinary! Gentlemen. . . lady," he added the last part hastily due to the glare from the French contingent while moving closer to the fire, "may I introduce, incredible though it may sound, the fourth Triwizard champion!".

Viktor Krum straightened up, the quiditch player's surly face darkened to a glare while surveying him over a crooked nose. Cedric looked furious as the Hufflepuff began looking between him and Bagman as if trying to convey 'this had better be a joke'. Fleur Delacour however tossed her hair over her shoulder before smiling and saying "Oh, vairy funny joke, Meester Bagman.", likely believing that it was a joke.

At those words Bagman tilted his head in confusion, "Joke?" he asked perplexed "What joke? Harry's name just came out of the goblet of fire.".

At this point the other two male champions began growling while Fleur sneered at him, "But there must be a mistake," she said, arrogance oozing from her tongue "this little boy cannot compete. He isn't nearly strong enough.".

Glaring at her for the 'little boy' comment he groused "My name did come out of the cup but I didn't put it there. I even wrote out my real signature which Dumbledore ignored and burnt away the evidence. So from what I can tell is that there is, once again, someone in this damn school trying to kill me. Shouldn't be surprised, it happens every year. Also Dumbledork over there is either A.) A conspirator in the plan, B.) deciding to join in the plan for his own reasons. Or C.) bat-shit insane.".

"Mr. Potter!" McGonagall exclaimed affronted.

"Professor McGonagall!" he exclaimed in return, mocking her tone, his patience at an end.

Dumbledore quickly threatened to put him on the equivalent of house arrest if he did not stop 'making a scene' and they explained that as his name came out of the goblet he had to compete or lose his magic and that the first task would be held on November Twenty fourth. As he left to head back to his dorm he was Cedric who stopped him and entered a full blown rant about Harry 'stealing his glory', 'taking away his chance to prove that Hufflepuff was superior to Gryffindor without help' and threatened that he'd 'better throw the tasks if he didn't want all of the 'great and noble house of Hufflepuff' to beat him within an inch of his life'…real good friendship and people skills from the house of Loyalty. Looking up at Hedwig, who flew down and onto his shoulder he simply stated "Well…that happened.".

Walking up to the Gryffindor tower he was greeted by the Fat Lady apologized but stated that Hermione granger had sealed the portrait using a spell and the prefects stunned anyone who tried to unseal it, trying to keep him out She did gesture to his trunk next to her frame though, apparently Dobby had rescued it when Ron tried stealing from him. Sighing he heard a hoot and saw Hedwig point with her wing down a corridor so, shrugging, he followed the directions of his owl and was quickly led to the seventh corridor where Hedwig stopped before sighed and began pacing, trying to think of a place he could stay the night and be safe. Quickly a door appeared on the opposite wall and he noticed Hedwig gain a suddenly smug look which only increased when he praised her for being 'the smartest and most beautiful owl in the world'.

Opening the door he found a rather large room and on the wall were two picture frames, one made of bronze and studded in Sapphires and the other made of Silver and studded in Emeralds, each housing a magical painting with a woman in the bronze frame and a man in the silver. The two in the portrait seemed to be bickering about something when Hedwig gave a loud hoot drawing their attention towards him causing the man to jump up and down happily before sticking his hand through the frames and loudly declaring "PAY UP ROWENA!" causing said witch to grumble and pass over a few galleons to the smirking man.

It took a moment for the man's words to click causing him to stumble, how he wasn't sure as he was standing completely still when it happened, "Rowena?" he asked shocked, drawing their attention "as in Rowena Ravenclaw?".

"How many women do you know who have the name 'Rowena'?" the woman asked with a raised eyebrow which immediately made him blush and stand at attention, feeling for some reason as if he was just mocked by a parent.

After thinking for a moment he replied "None actually…you'd think with as much as the people of the Wizarding World praise the four founders there'd be children named after them.".

"You'd think so, wouldn't you." the man in the silver frame, who he was sure was Salazar Slytherin…although strangely different from his statue.

"And you're Salazar Slytherin?" he asked the man who nodded proudly only to face-fault at his next question "Then why don't you look monkeyish like your statue in the Chamber of Secrets?".

As the grumbling Salazar pulled himself back to his feet, studiously ignoring the loud laughter of Rowena in the next frame over, the founder of the House of Slytherin turned over towards him and groused "I didn't make that damn place, Godric Gryffindor did. He and Helga were the Dark Witch and Wizard, not me.".

His eyes went so wide he was sure they were about to pop out of their sockets "Painting say what now?" he all but screamed as the little gears in his head spun forward at double speed, hit the brakes, went in reverse, before stopping all together and crumbling into itty bitty pieces.

"Want the quick version?" Salazar groused causing him to nod, remembering a piece of trivia he had come across where research had found that magical paintings could not lie. They could not tell someone something if they didn't want to, but they couldn't lie…apparently magical paint has veritaserum mixed into it. "Alright. I was a muggleborn…" que spit take from a surprised Harry Potter…who wasn't sure where the water shooting from his mouth suddenly came from and a laughing Rowena as the water somehow entered the portrait and soaked Salazar before the painting wizard dried himself off with a spell and an irritated expression "and I helped build the castle because I was the most cunning of the four founders. The lovely Rowena here," said painting woman blushed at the complement "was the brains of the outfit. Godric owned the land and Helga come from a family that was rich as hell.".

"So you two were the founders and they were the funders?" he asked to make sure getting nods from the two paintings.

"Those two had some major intelligence problems though," Salazar grumbled "Godric believed he was God's gift to women everywhere and was determined to have his own personal Harem…even if the only woman who could stand him was Helga who he had no attraction too…surprising really, anything else with breasts and a pulse had him salivating like a rabid dog.".

"But how does that make him a Dark Wizard?" he asked "Or Helga a Dark Witch?".

"Godric made it his life's mission to 'conquer' Rowena here," Salazar continued, rubbing said witch's back when she shuddered in disgust "and completely disregarded the fact that the two of us had married each other before we even met him. After his…fifty seventh attempt I think it was, of trying to woo Rowena he got angry and decided to 'get revenge' on us by targeting our oldest children.".

"What did he do?" he asked nervous.

"He obliviated our oldest son of all memories of us being his family and then does him up on love potions targeted towards our daughter before using the imperius curse to force our daughter to steal Rowena's diadem and flee to Albania where our son caught up with her, tried to win her heart, accidentally killed her, and regained his own memories before killing himself out of shame and guilt. You now know them as the Grey Lady and the Bloody Baron.".

All was silent for a moment before he looked down at his bright red and gold Gryffindor robe before ripping the thing off in disgust and shuddering before sending flame spell after flame spell at the offending article of clothing…studiously ignoring the cheers from the paintings. Looking at the paintings he asked "Do you have any clothes that aren't contaminated with the filth of someone that disturbing?". Before the paintings could reply a robe appeared on him, feeling far more comfortable than his old ones ever did. This robe was made of the softest fabric he had ever felt and, looking into a suddenly provided mirror, saw that instead of a House crest this one had a black shield on a white border, inside the shield there was an emerald snake, coiling around a silver staff on top of which rested a sapphire eagle with bronze talons. "Okay!" he shouted "Where is all this stuff coming from.".

"This, my dear boy," Salazar proclaimed with a flourish that seemed more entertaining than arrogant "is the Room of Requirement. Anything that you wish for in this room will appear, so long as the castle can provide it.".

"Sweet." he said happily, rubbing his hands together at the thought of what he could do with this room.

"Getting back to the story though," Salazar continued "after Godric pulled his little stunt Rowena and I tried driving him out but he used a dark spell on us that he invented, the words were 'avada kedavera' and our shields did nothing to stop it.".

His eyes darkened at that bit of news, "You mean to tell me," he asked slowly, not realizing that his magic was coming to life and creating a malicious aura around him "that I was placed in the house of the man who created the spell that KILLED MY PARENTS?!" he shouted at the end.

Rowena's hands flew to her mouth in shock and Salazar punched the wall of his picture frame in anger. "I am truly sorry young one," Salazar said, genuine sympathy in his tone "I did not know. Who were they?".

"James and Lily Potter," he said as he tried to stop the tears, not noticing the shocked looks of the two portraits "they were killed when I was a baby by…" here he trailed off, not wanting to unintentionally disrespect the man who was actually nice to him.

"By who?" Rowena asked furiously, surprising him by the animosity in her voice.

Sighing he looked down "The last descendent of your husband.".

"What?!" Salazar yelled "Impossible! You're my descendant!". His head shot up at those words Causing Rowena to slap her husband upside the head and order him to explain the details, "We had one other daughter," Salazar explained "and she was engaged to be married to the heir of the Potter family when the situation with our other children occurred. We were lucky Godric did not know of her. And the Potter family magic prevents one Potter from killing another.".

"This man's name was Tom Marvolo Riddle, or Lord Voldemort as he liked to be called," he elaborated "according to when I met his shade in my second year his mother was a member of the Gaunt family and one of your last descendants.". **(AN: I know this didn't happen in the book but my story, my rules)**

The only sound he got in response was a loud slap as Salazar introduced his palm to his face while Rowena explained "Anford Gaunt was a teenager when we met him who we saved by my husband giving him a bit of his blood in a ritual to save his life once. We didn't know he was crazy and after that he declared himself Salazar's heir and only child…we avoided him like the plague after that.".

"And what was the ghost of a murderer doing in our school?" Salazar asked curiously.

"Not a ghost," he responded "a shade. A bit of Voldemort's soul that he attached to a diary and possessed a first year girl before forcing her to open the chamber of secrets and release the basilisk on Muggle borns.".

"Godric actually built that?!" Rowena and Salazar asked aghast "I thought it was a drunken taunt as we fought. He hates muggleborns because I am one, figured that if I didn't have magic then Rowena wouldn't have married me and he could have had his way with her.".

"And you said the shade possessed the girl through a diary?" Rowena asked, a scary look in her eye before she snapped her fingers and a pulse was felt throughout the room before a basin rose from the floor and connected to the two portraits. "Place your hands in the basin Harry," Rowena urged "it will allow us to view your life from an outside perspective so we can better understand what happened and anything else we might want to help you with.".

Nodding he did as requested and saw the basin flash with light before filling with a strange silvery liquid that flowed into the portraits for a few moments before stopping and leaving two furious Hogwarts founders "THERE WAS A HORCRUX IN MY SCHOOL?!" the two shouted in tandem before going off on a rant throughout which he was able to pick up that Horcruxes were dark magic where a person committed murder, split their soul, and sealed it into another object.

As the rant progressed they delved from the topic of Horcruxes into the field of his childhood and years at Hogwarts and eventually the Triwizard tournament. As he listened he pieced together that the Weasley family and the Prewitt family were the descendants of twin daughters of Godric and Helga so the Weasleys he knew had the blood of both. Also that the man who taught Godric and Helga was a Dumbledore and the Dumbledore family's muggle servants back then were the Granger family…small world.

Suddenly the two founders gained smirks that reminded him less of a shark of wolf and more like a goblin that is about to royally screw over a wizard. "Okay what's the grins and why do I feel like many people will soon be shitting themselves?" he asked his two ancestors.

"We know a way where you can win this whole damn tournament and no doubt piss of Godric's ghost or painting should it be in the castle." Salazar said with a smirk causing him to lean forward eagerly, begging for more details. "There is an ancient and powerful ritual that harnesses the dying energy from different parts of the multiverse, or the collection of multiple universes, and transfers the powers and memories of a hero from that world at the point of that universes collapse." Salazar told him "Even some magical items can be brought too if you're lucky enough.".

"HELL YES!" he exclaimed happily to the two amused founders.

Salazar snapped his fingers and made the room of Requirement form a runic array on the ground with a large empty circle in the middle ant three on the border, each circled by a collection of symbols. "Alright Harry," Rowena explained "go to the center circle and place your hands on the two runes that resemble eyes on either side of you and simply focus your magic, the array will do the rest. This will though unlock some of your Ravenclaw and Slytherin genes and possibly change your appearance to an extent, depending on who you absorb.".

Nodding he smiled and replied with "You got it Grandma." Causing the founder to smile at him for the endearment before he entered the circle and did as he was told. Instantly his world flashed white and he felt the memories of the heroes racing through his mind, first was a man named Thorac from a land called Skyrim. The man was something called a dovakhiin and he went around, slaying evil dragon and absorbing their souls while taking control over various guilds and becoming the champion of an assortment of immortal beings that bordered deity status. The hero was just about to die of old age when his world collapsed around him as the universe ended do to the beings he served getting too bored and trying to recreate their universe. The second person he absorbed was a demigod son of Poseidon from America called Percy Jackson who had just stopped his grandfather, Kronos, from rising and taking over the world. Moments after his victory this universe ended by crashing into the third universe he had touched. The third universe, which had destroyed Percy's, was the world of Shinobi and the hero he absorbed was one Naruto Uzumaki who had just fought one of his fellow 'leaf Shinobi' during something called the Chuunin exams, some boy named Kiba with a dog.

After what felt like hours as he assorted his new powers he dropped down panting and looked to his new 'grandparents' "That was draining." He panted out.

"Yeah," Salazar said sheepishly "It normally wouldn't have been but we altered the ritual to make it so you would have a person all but designed for each of the tasks which we found out through the school's connection to the Goblet of Fire which already had the three tasks submitted to it and they can't be changed.".

He froze for a moment before laughing happily at what was just said as well as how his 'opponents' would react to it. Thinking back to a power he obtained from Naruto he summoned massive amounts of Shadow Clones, apparently Naruto's Charkra reserves came over with the memories and powers, and summoned a copy of every book in Hogwarts and had them start reading, having noticed from the memories that he would regain whatever the clones learned when they dispelled. Turning to his grandparents he grinned and rubbed his hands together as Hedwig flapped over to his shoulder "Let's plot, shall we?" he asked his family as they set to work creating plans for the next year. Occasionally altering them when a clone dispelled with information from a book. After a couple hours of this he went to sleep on a bed provided by the room while his clones continued to read, his grandparents continued to plot, and Hedwig stood watch over him.

The next morning he woke up with the memories of his now gone clones and grinned at what he knew before shrinking down his grandparents portraits and slipping them into his pockets, explaining that he didn't want anyone to see them yet, before heading out, setting the room to keep out anyone he didn't invite in until he got back, and heading down to the Great Hall. On the way there he stopped and looked into a mirror to see what 'changes' might have occurred and saw that he had grown taller and more muscular like the Nordic warrior Thorac, his hair was more akin to Percy's than it was before, he had Naruto's whisker marks on his cheeks, his hair had emerald and sapphire tips, and his eyes had sapphire veins running through the emerald. Immediately after entering Neville rushed over, grabbing the attention of the twins, Lee, the Chasers, a blonde Ravenclaw girl who he had often seen with Neville, Padma Patil, and a nervous looking red haired Hufflepuff named Susan Bones who ran over and latched onto Neville as the group rushed over to him, the chasers checking him for any injuries that may have happened when their 'little brother left their sight' and cooing over his new look, especially liking the whiskers.

After assuring them all that he was fine, and introducing himself to the Ravenclaw girl who he found out was named Luna, he smirked, walked right up to the staff table and kicked Snape in what amounted as testicles and backhanded Dumbledore across the face, leaving the Great hall in stunned Silence before his small group of friends who had rushed over to him burst into applause. Seeing McGonagall about to rant at him he smirked and pulled out a book of Triwizard Tournament Rules "Rules 39 of the Triwizard Tournament," he read out loud "Champions are given Carte Blanche until the tournaments completion. Any problems people may have against actions performed by the Champions may be submitted to review by the goblet of fire which can determine who is in the right." He finished as he closed the book with a snap.

A furious Snape quickly forced a house elf to bring the goblet and activated the tester which formed a flaming hand…and slapped Snape and Dumbledore across the face setting their respective greasy hair and tangled beard on fire before giving Harry a thumb's up. Spinning around he walked out, yelling over his shoulder as he went "I have to run some errands I won't be at school today. I can also give Champion's protection to my friends so don't try to punish them to get to me." Before exiting the castle and mist travelling, a skill he got from Percy, to Diagon Alley, leaving a stunned speechless castle behind.

Landing in the alley he walked up into the bank and immediately walked over to an open teller before saying Gobbledygook, a skill he got from his massive clone study session, "[Greetings Honored Goblin, may your blade drink the blood of your enemies and their gold fill your vaults. I am in need of assistance from the Goblins of Gringotts in several matters.]".

It was quite funny watching the shocked teller fall out of his stool and hit the floor with a loud thud before the scurrying creature grabbed him, lifted him into the air with a surprising amount of strength, and practically ran into an office at the end of a corridor and throwing him into a chair and panting out to the chief goblin that 'a human had somehow known the ancient greetings of the goblins and spoke them in their language'.

"What do you need?" the intrigued yet wary goblin behind the desk asked.

"For one I'd like to buy every piece of iron, silver, and gold ore I can afford," he said and could swear he saw the goblin's eyes turn to gold galleons for a moment before shaking it off and continuing "I'd also like my family vault checked for any magical paintings of my parents," a runner was sent off before he could take in a new breath, a little cloud of dust left in the creature's wake as they tried to please their newest, very lucrative, customer, "and finally I'd like a locket made that can contain four portraits, the first two being my parents and the second two being my 'grandparents' here." Pulling out the two founder's paintings he set them on the desk and looked at the goblin and once more saw the galleon eyes and knew that it was going to be expensive…but worth it for what he had planned.

Rather quickly a team of enchanters and jewelry forgers were brought in and made the locket which when opened flipped a portion up allowing for two stacked portraits to exist in the locket, allowing the four portraits to go between the locket and their original canvases **(AN: Seriously! Why have I never seen a Fanfiction where Harry has a locket with his parents paintings in it so he can talk to them whenever. Imagine the rant Lily painting could do to Snape!)**. It cost him most of his trust vault to purchase the locket and the thousands upon thousands of pieces of iron ore but he had access to his family vault at this point (the joys of being placed into a tournament declared for adults only…mwahahaha) and bid the goblins good day, thanking the head goblin for the small bag of gemstones that were thrown in for such a large purchase, likely as 'incentive' for him to do so again at some point.

Returning to Hogwarts he once again entered his domain, the Room of Requirements and had it create a forge and a smelter before creating thousands of shadow clones and had them use the transmute spell he got from Thorac to turn the iron ore into silver and the silver ore into gold before smelting them all into ingots and making a portion into rings and necklaces with the jewels to either sell or give to the girls in his group before sifting through his new trove of items that came with the ritual from before, "Oh," he said happily "this is going to be fun." Before explaining to his family in the locket why he suddenly started cackling.

***AWESOMNESS*-Day of the first task-*AWESOMNESS***

It was the day of the first task and he walked down to breakfast with a smirk on his face and a skip in his step, eager to use Thorac's powers to destroy the dragon he would be facing, Hagrid was very angry at Dumbledore for the stunt he pulled with the handwriting, while Hagrid may not be the sharpest sword in the armory he can tell one handwriting from another and had been happy to help him out. Sitting down at his table he smiled at the girls around him before stealing kisses from Luna and Padma who blushed happily at his attentions and the fact that they had both started dating him when they talked to his grandparents who wanted him to 'rebuild the family'…in other words lots of girls and lots of children.

Sirius had been both proud and jealous when he was told and immediately introduced the group to Andromeda Tonks and Nymphadora Tonks who were members of the Black family and both recently single due to Andromeda divorcing her husband due to him sleeping around at work. The old marauder had somehow gotten both of them drunk enough to sign themselves into marriage contracts with him and would be in the stands during the event…along with a terrified and almost neutered Sirius. Remus had been torn between pride for his honorary Nephew and anger at Dumbledore…so the werewolf had settled on both and had accepted the 'ring of Hircine' from the stash of new magical items, giving the old Marauder complete control over his 'furry little problem'. It was funny as hell watching Moony make an appearance during breakfast causing Snape to scream like a little girl at a scary movie and faint with soiled robes at the sight of a werewolf…in broad daylight…several weeks from the full moon. The greasy haired bastard was still twitching at everything.

The morning after making his assortment of gold bars and jewelry, which got him many kisses from the girls leaving him covered in lipstick marks and wearing a shit-eating grin for the rest of the day, he had introduced the school to his family's portraits and enjoyed the ass-chewing that was dealt. Along with this Cedric tried to rally Hufflepuff against him, and succeeded for the most part as the only member of the house to support him was Susan as she was dating Neville, but was quickly dealt with when he used a staff called the 'wabbajack' to turn Ernie McMillan into a chicken and back again.

Ravenclaw supported him except for Cho, her best friend Marietta Edgecombe, and the students from his year bar Padma and were led by a smug Flitwick after Harry had renounced Gryffindor and declared himself a Ravenclaw, much to Salazar's grief as he and Rowena had made a bet about which house he would join. Slytherin…was Slytherin. Excluding the seventh year Carrow twins, who's family owed his family a life-debt when his father spared their parents instead of killing them during the war, three girls from his year named Daphne Greengrass, Tracey Davis, and Lilith Moon, all of whom had marriage contracts with the Black Family…which Sirius named him heir to, and Daphne's younger sister who immediately declared him her Hero when she saw him use the wabbajack to turn Draco into a chicken, then a goat, followed by a mudcrab, once more as a chicken, a brief spell as an albino ferret, and then back to being human. His Slytherin fiancés wanted to keep things slow before they started getting serious with him and he accepted that, although he could tell that the three from his year really wanted to go to the next level, seeing him kiss Luna and Padma every morning.

Krum had ignored him after the Champion's selection, bar the occasional glare thrown his way, which was always responded with a flip of the bird. It was Fleur that was the most entertaining though as she had tried to seduce him with her allure after seeing the jewelry he gave the girls but didn't predict that he would have charka, a dragon's soul, and the blood of a sea god inside him from the ritual and the power knocked her on her ass and also gave her a hard time controlling her allure, causing it to drop down to nothing and blast full strength at random times.

Now he was eating his breakfast and looking forward to the task at hand, keeping a sealing scroll, which Naruto had noticed in his world but never got that far into, which had all of his fun toys from the other universes stored inside. Finally he was called down to the tent on the quiditch pitch as he and the other champion's waited for the task to start. A grinning bagman held out the bag and said that each Champion would have to get past a group of monsters before getting through a magical trap area, and finally stealing a golden egg from a nesting mother dragon. Cedric was selected to go first, followed by Krum, then Fleur, and then he would go.

Cedric quickly strode out of the tent, a look of confidence on his face…which lasted for about five seconds as he screamed in terror shortly after leaving. Poking his head out of the tent he saw the Hufflepuff pretty boy running away from a group of minatours before running straight through the magical trap, which used a magical crystal to shoot fireballs, causing him to get scorched and most of his clothes burnt off, and finally got to the dragon…which promptly fell over laughing at the pathetic attempt, it's flopping around knocking the golden egg loose which was promptly caught by the scared boy who was whisked away. Cedric was given a score of thirty out of fifty.

Next was Krum started firing blasting curses at his assembled group of acromantula the moment the cannon went off causing him to shake his head in exasperation and go back to sitting down, waiting for his turn. Approximately twenty five minutes later he heard the cannon go off and Bagman announced that Krum had been given a score of thirty four.

As Fleur left he waited and not three minutes before he felt a blast of her allure and poked his head out to see that she had lost control over her power and was now being taken advantage of by a group of enthusiastic zombies much to the pleasure of the males in the audience. After a moment to get his brain to reboot he shook his head and unsealed the sword Dawnbreaker from the scroll and walked down towards the bizarre zombie-orgy and stabbed the first zombie in the ass with the blade causing it to burst into blue and yellow fire and explode, taking out the others but leaving everyone else unharmed but a twitching and half-conscious Beauxbatons champion behind. Who was quickly carried off by a group of healers muttering about 'fools bringing a group of horny zombies to fight a veela'.

His field was quickly set up and he brought out his dragonscale armor and his sword 'dragonsbane' which he got from Thorac and placed them on, ignoring the angry mutterings of the judges, and watched as his area was set up. As soon as the gong was set off cages were opened and a group of fifteen Erklings were released making him roll his eyes and hit them with a few 'chain lightning' spells as the bolts of magicka shot from one to another, quickly leaving fifteen smoking demonic monsters, much to the shock of the crowd, before heading over to the trap and using a telekinesis spell to bring the magical crystal powering the trap over to him and walking straight to the dragon which was 'conveniently' unchained as it took to the skies with a roar.

Shaking his head at the audience, bar his friends, screaming in terror he took in a deep breath and uses the Dragonrend shout "Joor Zah Frul!" to bring the Hungarian horntail slamming into the ground before began hacking and slashing at the creature, periodically using lightning spells or the 'marked for death shout' "Krii Lun Aus!" before striking the final blow against the dazed and shocked dragon before it began burning away as he devoured the creatures soul.

Turning to the judges he raised an eyebrow as Dumbledore yelled out "Zero points for Cheating!".

"I didn't cheat." He said with a shrug as he sheathed his sword and began harvesting the dragon bones and scales, only having a basic set of the dragonscale armor and wanting to upgrade it later.

"You weren't supposed to kill the creatures nor were you supposed to bring anything besides your wand and clothes!" Crouch snapped.

"Triwizard rules state that any Champion can bring anything extra to a task so long as at least half of the host school's founders approve of it. You can ask Grandma and Grandpa if you wish." He retorted before bringing out the locket and using a spell to enlarge Salazar and Rowena's portraits.

"I approved!" Salazar yelled proudly, ignoring the glares coming from the houses of Hufflepuff, Gryffindor and Slytherin (the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs for supporting a cheater and spreading lies about their founders while the Slytherins because they felt betrayed by their founded 'supporting that half-blood bastard Potter'. "Now give my badass grandson his proper score!" the painting continued and glared defiantly at the five judges who glared and were forced to give him full marks due to nothing in the rules preventing him from killing the creatures and he had the approval of the paintings.

That afternoon as he was eating lunch he was met with a delegation of the Delacour family to try to settle the debt the family now owed him for destroying the Zombies that were having their way with Fleur. Fleur's father, the head of the Delacour family, had immediately signed over Fleur's non-veela triplet cousins from Germany **(AN: I pictured the triplets from Beauty and the Beast honestly) **and then rushed off without asking for his opinion on the matter as he had been willing to let the matter go. But when the triplets arrived and wanted to stick it to their uncle who had sold them they were more than happy to join his growing harem…which was incentive enough for Daphne, Tracey, and Lilith to make the full heave as well giving him a total of ten fiancés.

At Dinner Lucius Malfoy had stormed into the hall furiously and tried demanding that he hand over the magical artifacts he had and the painting of Salazar to a 'proper pure blood family'. He simply slapped the man across the face, used a shadow clone to sneak behind the man and rob him of all his gold, and then point out the fact that his son had failed to show up at a wizard's duel issued by the Malfoy family three years ago and the debt owed had been building due to Draco's little attempt causing the man to pale in fear. Lucius had quickly ordered Draco to stay away from him, signed over the Malfoy Family Island in the Caribbean, and given him Narcissa as well as Lucius' own sister as two new fiancé's …who were apparently thrilled as Lucius prevented his sister from every even having a date and as for Narcissa…she was rather blunt when she stated that the Malfoy men were politicians because they were too weak to be fighters and too…unequipped to be lovers.

Moving his entourage into the Room of Requirement with him he spent the next month getting better control over his new powers and doing a second ritual he had discovered on Hedwig to pull a big surprise at the Yule Ball that had been announced, happily turning down date after date from the people who had only recently stopped shunning and that was mainly because they wanted power, wealth, and jewelry. Seeing the faces of Hermione and Ginny when he turned them down was priceless as they seemed unable to form complete sentences before storming off…almost as entertaining as when Ron tried demanding a date from all three of his sisters, the chasers, causing them to beat him into a mini comma that Madame Pomphrey only reluctantly pulled him out off. The trio quickly walked over to their boyfriends who were the twins and Lee.

Finally Christmas day arrived and much presents were given to his loved ones as they celebrated. His fiancé's and honorary sisters, now including Susan, were showered with gold jewelry that he had made for them while Sirius, Remus, Neville, the Twins, and Lee were given daggers, swords, and other deadly objects making them all very happy. His Sisters had given him assorted rare spell books that he hadn't read while his brothers got him pranking supplies…his fiancé's gift was not one he discusses openly but enjoyed greatly once they were alone.

That night he walked into the hall with each of his fiancé's on the arm of a shadow clone version of himself while the real version led a woman none of the students or staff had seen as he smirked at them. He had found a book describing the ritual that a wizard had used to create Veela several generations ago. The man had wanted to turn his pet owl into a loyal and willing human sex partner but had gotten his ritual rooms mixed up, using a room he reserved for tantric rituals instead of the fresh room, and accidentally lit part of the ritual's potion on fire which caused the then created Veela to have the allure and being able to shoot fireballs as well as have their avian forms. He had used the fresh ritual room and made sure to not set the potion on fire and Hedwig was given a human form she could switch back and forth between. Her human form had retractable feathered wings that were white with black markings like her normal plumage along with flowing snow white hair with black tips, eyes with black pupils, and a white dress with black markings. The colors of her clothes, hair, eyes, and plumage could change with her mood however, if she had the markings she did now then she was quite happy, if she had the color scheme reversed she was upset, if her eyes, hair, wings, and clothes were completely black then she was beyond furious, and if they were completely white she couldn't possibly be any happier. The night was going good as he danced with each of his girls, taking great pleasure in explaining who Hedwig was and that he had used a lost ritual to give her, her now form and powers and taking the occasional drink from one of the imps serving as waiters.

The first downside to the evening was when he found that Parvarti, who had been jealous of her sister Padma once he was popular again, had tried to slip him a love potion which was quickly stopped and a message sent to her father. The second downside happened as he took a walk outside and felt a blast of Fleur's uncontrolled allure again and walked around a corner to find her being used by several of the imp waiters causing him to sigh in annoyance and stun the lot of them before having his friends bring over some healers who, once again, carted off the nearly catatonic and twitching veela girl. Looking at the others he asked "what do you think he'll do this time?" causing them to laugh at the thought of the greedy little Frenchman giving up even more.

The day after the ball he had been greeted in the morning by an upset head of the Delacour family who had, once again, signed over someone to be another fiancé to clear the debt without asking first. This time the man signed over his younger sisters who happened to be twins and were in much better shape than the portly little man. **(AN: Imagine Elsa from frozen only at a more adult age…yes I like Disney and DreamWorks characters….deal with it)**.

The twins were happy to get away from their brother who, like Lucius had with sister, prevented them from dating anyone. That afternoon Padma and Parvarti's father showed up and the man had a drink with him before coming to an agreement. As the man assumed, and rightly so, that he didn't want a relationship with Parvarti after her little stunt he had married him to Padma's older adoptive triplet sisters who had yet to find a man who could keep up with the three of them in terms of intellect and sneakiness. The three were quickly introduced to him and met their match easily **(AN: They look like the triplets from Aladdin)**. Now having a total of eighteen fiancés…it was very good to be Harry Potter.

He spent the next couple of months lounging around the castle, acclimating to his powers some more and spending time with his fiancés and family…as well as admittedly pranking the hell out of Hogwarts as a whole…who knew that Viktor Krum would scream so loudly when he wakes up to find a mouse on his chest. He had easily translated the egg from the first task due to the knowledge from 'the great clone reading' as he liked to call it and looked forward to using Percy's powers in the lake challenge.

Finally the day of the Challenge arrived and he looked around and found that Padma had been the one selected to be under the lake but he wasn't worried, having given her an enchanted piece of jewelry with a concealment charm to allow her to breath underwater. After watching Cedric use the bubblehead charm, Krum transfigure his head into a shark head plus gills, and Fleur drink a potion that gave her webbed hand and feet as well as gills along her neck the three other champions set off before he lazily followed, jumping into the water and using his power over the current to follow the group and watch what they do, chatting with the occasional fish as he passes. First to be eliminated was Cedric who was chased around by a perverted Moaning Myrtle before finally forfeiting the task just to get away from the specter.

After watching the show he used his power to push him farther along, speeding his pace when he felt another blast of Fleur's still out of whack allure and saw that it had mutated the giant squid's volatile magical makeup from all the years of magical potions being dumped into the lake by different students, that combined with her allure turned the giant squid into a large water breathing tentacle monster…who was doing was would be expected having seen what normally happens when the veela girl loses control of her allure. Quickly using the currents to force the creature away and seal it in a scroll, he did not want that thing getting out, he created a clone that brought the French champion to the healers who were standing at the ready, having everything prepared by this point for whenever she loses control over her allure.

Shooting towards the village he came across Krum trying to swim away from a group of merepeople who he assumed the idiot had attacked. Seeing them about to kill the Durmstrang Champion he stunned the shark-headed Bulgarian and had a clone bring him to the surface and explain what happened while the village of merepeople cheered for the waterbreathing man who defeated their attacker. He was quickly taken to the village chieftain who offered him his octuplet daughters that looked like traditional mermaids due to all the magic in the lake and could even turn into a human form at will thanks to Fleur's allure blast earlier.

So taking his eight new fiancées towards the hostages he found another merman about to kill the four of them before he used the sword he got from Percy, Riptide, to behead the merman and take the four hostages (Padma for him, Cho for Cedric, a girl his age for Fleur who was probably her sister, and a Bulgarian girl he didn't recognize) up to the surface where he was grudgingly awarded full points while the others got none for being taken out before getting to the village, forfeiting the task, or attacking the merepeople. When it was revealed that he had saved the four girls from being killed as well as saving Fleur…again…he saw the head of the Delacour family fall to the ground crying. Later that day the Head of the Delacour family showed up and sullenly signed over the girl he had rescued (Gabrielle), the man's wife Appoline, and the Delacour home in the French countryside before mumbling about having run out of things to sign over to keep his heir.

Next he met the head of the Krum family…who only seemed to be able to grunt and signed over his own wife plus the girl he rescued who was apparently Viktor Krum's much more attractive twin sister. Third was Cho's father who happily signed over twenty five daughters and nieces that the man had been unable to Marry for rescuing Cho as well as the man's wife as he was tired of her and wanted a new one…the last situation had left him rather disturbed.

Now with fifty four fiancés and every male in Hogwarts Jealous of him he spent the last few months before the task enjoying himself with his fiancés, tormenting Snape, enjoying himself with his fiancés, tormenting Malfoy, enjoying himself with his fiancés, tormenting Dumbledore, enjoying himself with his fiancés, practicing his powers, enjoying himself with his fiancés, getting the Carrow twins as fiancés, enjoying himself with his now increased fiancés, winning a bet with Madame Rosmerta and getting _her_ as another fiancé, enj…well I'm pretty sure the pattern is made clear by now.

At last the day of the last task came and he smirked, knowing that he already had the whole thing won as he had a full one hundred points while Krum had 34 and Cedric had 30, Fleur had yet to get any points at all. It would take Cedric or Krum getting a perfect score from the judges based on performance, getting the cup, AND he would have to get a zero for Cedric to tie or Krum to win…it was quite likely he was going to win the tournament.

As he stood at the entrance to the maze he looked at the section of the stand reserved entirely for his friends and fiancés…mostly for his fiancés, as they cheered him on before turning to look at the other champions. Cedric and Krum were looking angry and sullen but determined to try and keep him from winning while Fleur was nervously looking all over the place and twitching. As soon as the cannon said he could enter he sent a couple thousand shadow clones into the maze to map the whole thing out and get to strategic points before waiting inside as Krum and Cedric shot off followed by Delacour. Once they were a minute ahead he followed them. He came across Krum and Cedric arguing about who would be the one to 'kick Potter's ass' causing him to roll his eyes and stun the both of them before summoning two more clones to remove them from the maze.

Right after getting rid of the two he felt the now familiar pulse of Fleur's out of control allure and hurried over to see who it was this time and saw that it was a group of centaurs now and so he quickly hit them all in the head with stunners and had a third clone take Fleur out and explain what happened…he could hear the head of the Diggory family's cry of fury from where he was.

Chuckling he went deeper into the maze and found a sphinx…which he quickly scared off by summoning a couple of dremora using a spell he got from Thorac and walking over to the Triwizard cup. Grabbing it he felt himself be transported by portkey to a graveyard where he saw Peter Pettigrew and mixing a potion in a cauldron. Once the little traitor noticed him, and before he could get enough wits about him to beat the little turncoat within an inch of his life, the man ran forward, squeezed a cut on his arm that he had gotten on some thorns to steal some blood and ran over to the cauldron, rushing through a ritual involving 'bone of the father unknowingly given', 'flesh of the servant willingly sacrificed', and 'blood of the enemy forcibly taken' before the cauldron exploded and revealed a now reborn Voldemort. The Dark Lord quickly shot an Incarcerous at him and tied him to a tombstone before going into a longwinded speech about how 'he was the one true heir of Slytherin' and 'purebloods have to rule' and other such nonsense. When Voldemort summoned the Death Eaters and got to the 'you were lucky before but in a true fight you have no chance' portion of the villainous monologue he began paying attention as it was winding up.

Yawning he looked down at the assembled Dark Wizards and used the dragon shout for 'ice form' "IIz Slen Nus!" causing them all to collapse, encased in ice that was cracking away at a moderate pace before he used a substitution Jutsu and switched with Pettigrew and twisted his ring, portkeying his fiancés and family over to them before explaining the situation and laughing as they beat the death eater males within an inch of their lives, captured Bellatrix so Harry can have the full 'Black family set' and then proceeded to torture Voldemort till the once feared Dark Lord was nothing more than a quivering mass of white scaly snake flesh and pleading for mercy from his fifty nine fiancés.

Quickly gathering everyone he portkeyed them all back to Hogwarts and threw the death eaters and Voldemort in front of Amelia Bones, who he had met through Susan and quickly got a pardon for Sirius due to Pettigrew being there and him being able to legally eliminate the Minister and his toadies, namely Umbridge a woman who disgraced the proud visage of the toad, as the tournament was not officially ended yet.

Voldemort quickly surrendered and revealed the locations off all the Horcruxes in exchange for being kept in the deepest cell they can find that's away from the fifty nine angry women that beat him to a pale little pulp.

The Head of the Delacour family was forced to sign over Fleur as fiancé number sixty as the man had nothing else left and quickly apperated away in tears while the twitchy quivering Veela looked nothing like she did at the beginning of the year, now completely willing to do anything he said and not insult him as long as he protected her from whatever was affected from her blasts of allure.

So he finished the year, claimed the thousand galleons of prize money, and graduated Hogwarts that year along with his fiancés, and their servant Bellatrix, before leaving with his brothers and sisters, who married their respective partners, Remus (who married a nice werewolf girl), and Sirius (who married Amelia Bones). Before they all had a massive joint wedding that summer and he had a VERY enjoyable honeymoon.

Twelve years later Hogwarts was swarmed when the first years in the new group contained over sixty Potter children in attendance. McGonagall quickly fled screaming into the night as Snape dropped over from a heart attack and Dumbledore chocked on a lemon drop leaving professor Flitwick to take over the school.

_**THE END**_

**AN: Was it bad? Probably. Did I have a hell of a good time writing it anyway? Of course I did. I wanted to write my ridiculously over the top crack-fic one-shot and now I have done so. So if you actually made it this far into my story…I salute you and recommend you get your brain checked for the severe mental damage this insane story likely caused you. **


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